Yakuza 3 Review - An Engaging Premise That—Wait, Hold On, I Need to Check on the Kids Back at the Orphanage
Yes, I know the CIA's about to kill a guy. But the kids need me to do some lucha wrestling.
Spoilers follow for Yakuza 3.
Yakuza 3 opens with a fairly engaging story hook: protagonist Kazuma Kiryu’s adoptive father, who died years prior, shoots a Yakuza chairman. It’s a pretty interesting start to a story that—
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Oh, wait, hold on. Haruka’s calling me. Probably something about making dinner tonight for the kids at the orphanage. I need to take this.
Okay, she’s good. Anyway, as I was saying: the plot starts out pretty strong. How could this man who died years ago have shot the chairman? It’s an intriguing question for the player but also an interesting character conflict for Kiryu, who tried to leave the Yakuza life behind only to find himself back in a web of intricate machinations and schemes that he must untangle in order to—
Wait, shit. I think one of the kids just hurt himself playing on the beach. I need to check on him. I’ll be back.
Alright. Thankfully, he’s okay. But the bad news is he probably won’t be able to wrestle anymore. The doctor’s saying it’s probably asthma and that intense physical activity makes it worse. Fuck, I wish there was some kind of inhaler-like technology that could magically prevent conditions like exercise-induced bronchospasm. But because there isn’t, he’ll simply have to give up on his dream.
Anyway, sorry for the distraction. Back to what I was saying: so Kiryu’s dead dad is going around killing people. Believe it or not, this actually ends up being the estranged twin brother of Kiryu’s adoptive father, who works for the CIA (and really loves it, like disturbingly so). He’s investigating a land acquisition battle that goes all the way to the highest levels of government, involving everyone from the Japanese Defense Minister to a shady criminal group called Black Monday. Kiryu meets with the Defense Minister, who tells him that the CIA is planning to kill his secretary (and best bud), Toma. He asks Kiryu to protect Toma from the CIA, and Kiryu agrees. So Kiryu returns to Okinawa to stop this guy from being killed by the CIA, only to find—
Wait, hold on, I just got an awesome idea. Hear me out:
So the kid can’t wrestle anymore, right? What if we just hold our own wrestling match for him? You know, to cheer him up? I wouldn’t mind throwing on a lucha mask, and I got a buddy who’d love that shit, too. The kids will definitely love it. We can set up a little ring on the beach with ropes and everything.
Oh man, this sounds better the more I think about it. Okay, I’ll be back. I need to set this up ASAP.
Okay, I’m back. Great little time we had there. Got to let my inner Rey Mysterio loose! And not only that: we also got a call from the doctor that the kid doesn’t have asthma after all! Apparently, he might just have a buckwheat allergy and he had a bunch of soba the other day, so that’s probably what triggered his breathing issues. But as long as he avoids buckwheat he’ll be fine! A simple food allergy. Who would’ve thought? This is great news. This means he’ll be able to follow his dream of—
Wait, one sec. One of the kids just ran out crying. I need to see what’s up. Hang tight.
Alright, that was super fucked up. Apparently, Ayako lent Izumi her last 500 yen to buy a toy for the dog they rescued, but the toy was sold out and so Izumi ended up buying candy with that money instead. What the fuck? That’s so damn rude. I had a sit down with all of the kids and talked to each of them one by one to explain how much Ayako has done for each of them. It took several hours, but I think they understand now that they have to be more considerate towards her and to others in general.
Phew, that was a lot. I’m pretty exhausted after all of that, not gonna lie. I think I might go take a nap or—
Oh shit, wait. The plot. I was talking about the plot. Let’s see: there’s the CIA, Black Monday, a guy named Andre Richardson who looks suspiciously like Albert Wesker...
That’s right, I remember now: so the guy behind everything ends up being one of the Yakuza captains. It’s a pretty crazy reveal! And it all wraps up with him being so ashamed of his deeds that he takes his own life. A tragic ending for the guy, but at least Kiryu has eliminated the threat. But just when you think everything’s well and good, another disgruntled Yakuza captain approaches on the street Kiryu and stabs him, leaving him to die—
Fuck, I just found out Haruka’s helping a gang sell illegal credit cards. I need to nip this in the bud. I’ll be right back.
