BASGIATH — Jesinia Neilwart, Curator of the Scribe Quadrant at Basgiath War College, confirmed that she kept all of the sex stuff intact while translating Violet Sorrengail’s journals from Navarrian into the modern language.

“As a scribe, my job is to ensure that historical texts are preserved accurately,” said Neilwart, filing away numerous pencil sketches that cannot be reproduced here. “That’s why I made sure to keep all of the graphic sexual details from Cadet Sorrengail’s journals intact when translating them into the modern language. So yes, while that means the final text will contain pages upon pages of lurid details about Violet Sorrengail’s clitoris, or the durability of Xaden Riorson’s penile shaft, it ultimately must be done. It would be irresponsible of me to sanitize or omit those accounts, lest the reader lose important political context for the events at large.”

At press time, Neilwart was still trying to discover more information about the mysterious “seven inches of Onyx” repeatedly mentioned throughout the journals.

Popular author Haruki Murakami’s latest novel broke new ground by not including a single mention of breasts or female anatomy within the entirety of its text.

“I wanted to challenge myself and try something new,” Murakami said. “After all, I’ve written several novels where I describe breasts in uncomfortable—and often anatomically impossible—detail. Sometimes these descriptions even border on illegal, such as my incessant descriptions of the teenage girl’s breasts in Killing Commendatore. So I thought, why not try my hand at not mentioning them at all? It was a long, tiresome struggle, and many days I wasn’t sure if I could finish. But in the end, I was able to reach completion. It just goes to show that you can do anything you set your mind to.”

At press time, Murakami reportedly collapsed from weakness and was rushed to the hospital. He quickly recovered after starting a new novel that mentions breasts on every page.

Director Sam Mendes (Skyfall, 1917) recently announced that the film focused on Ringo Starr from his upcoming Beatles tetralogy would have the lowest budget of the four films.

“There’s no particular reason for this,” Mendes said, staring at an outline for the Ringo movie with nothing on it. “But it’s important to realize that you have to allocate resources carefully during production. For example, for John Lennon’s movie we’ll need an armorer and weapons training for the actor who plays Mark David Chapman. And for Paul McCartney’s movie, I’m pretty sure that bass is super expensive. On the other hand, I know a guy who has a drum set, so we can just borrow that for Ringo’s movie. You direct resources where they’re needed most. It’s a big balancing act.”

At press time, Mendes updated his statement to say that the Ringo movie would halt production indefinitely.

Hi, all. Tetsuya Nomura here, creator of the Kingdom Hearts series and the best Final Fantasy game: Final Fantasy Versus XIII. I was asked to write a piece talking about the development of Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, and since we all have multiple versions of ourselves existing simultaneously at any given moment, one of them said yes (the other versions of me quit Square Enix decades ago).

It’s been a long journey to remake the second-third of the seventh Final Fantasy game. The staff and I have put an immense amount of work into this bloated multiverse version of the middle-third of a beloved classic, something players have been wanting for over twenty years. I’ve been working closely with director Naoki Hamaguchi-san and producer Yoshinori Kitase-san to bring our shared vision to life. I say “shared” vision, but the truth is we’ve butted heads quite a bit over what this remake project should be.

For example, Kitase-san directed the original Final Fantasy VII, so he was in favor of a more straightforward remake. “I strongly believe that players will want to experience the game as they remember it,” he said. “We may still have to split it into multiple parts for the sake of budget and development timelines, tacitly admitting that none of our newer games will be able to capture the scope of the older ones. But beyond that, all we would have to do is make new assets. Keep the script the same. No new weird characters, like a guy with a mullet who fights with a motorcycle or something. Nothing crazy like that. We can keep things the same and win people over with nostalgia.”

I had to beat him to within an inch of his life to change his thinking. Except the part about the mullet motorcycle guy. I liked that idea. But he ended up agreeing that we could do more with this remake. Be more ambitious. Kingdom Hearts was famously born when I ran into a Disney executive in an elevator and beat the shit out of him until he agreed to make the game. And now, the same tactic had given birth to the Final Fantasy VII Remake we all know and love. It was meant to be.

With our design philosophy in mind, it was time for a title, and this was where I butted heads with Hamaguchi-san. When we called the first part Remake, we didn’t realize that we couldn’t just call the second part Remake again, even though it was still the Remake that the first game was, just a continuation of it. Though we eventually compromised and called this second part Rebirth, it did not start out that way.

“If only we’d added Part 1 to the first game’s title,” Hamaguchi said during a brainstorming meeting with Kitase and I. “Would’ve saved us a lot of headache.”

“Yeah, and if Ifrit had wings he’d be Bahamut,” I said. “It’s too late for that now.”

“What about just calling it Final Fantasy VII Remake Part 2?” Hamaguchi asked. “A simple, clear title is often the best approach.” He held a tiny smirk as he said this, which rubbed me the wrong way. But I contained myself.

“Well, that just sounds unwieldy to me, Hamaguchi-san,” I said.

“You would know about unwieldy titles, wouldn’t you?” he said, smirk growing.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “I’m just trying to keep things light. You should know all about light. And darkness.”

He burst out laughing. I crossed my arms.

“Do you have an issue with my creative process?” I asked. “Now’s the time to speak up.”

Hamaguchi turned to Kitase-san. “Do we really want this guy deciding what the title of the game should be? Remember 358/2 Days? That was him!”

“You’re treading on thin ice right now, Hamaguchi,” I said, stern.

“Yes, Hamaguchi-san, please,” Kitase-san said. “Do not push him. Trust me.”

Hamaguchi turned to me again. “What’s your top idea for the name right now? Come on, tell us.”

I stared at him. “I’m not humoring you,” I said. “I’m in charge here.”

“Look at that. He doesn’t want to say,” he said. “That means I’m right. It’s something crazy.”

“I believe in my titles,” I said. “They are thematically relevant and contain a lot of emotion.”

“Say the name, Tetsuya,” he said. “Say it.”

I looked at Kitase for backup, but he just looked scared. Whatever. I had nothing to lose.

“Final Fantasy VII: UnRe-Mako,” I said confidently.

The laugh that followed scared everyone on our floor of the building. A few hours later, I was looking for a new game director.

“This candidate has no game development experience,” the recruiter said. “He’s worked in IT, so he has decent computer knowledge.”

“What’s his name?” I asked.

“Believe it or not, Naoki Hamaguchi. Same as the old director.”

“Hire him,” I said.

And that’s how you replace your game director without anyone noticing. Nice little bit of trivia for you mega-fans out there.

But despite those ups and downs, here we are at the finish line. I hope this was an informative look into the process behind the game. I’m very excited for everyone to finally get their hands on it and see how much we’ve improved all the iconic scenes from the original. I believe they will inspire even stronger emotion than the original versions did. Nomura out.

TOKYO — Following Hideo Kojima’s announcement of a new espionage action game in the vein of Metal Gear Solid, Konami immediately and unexpectedly announced they would be making a strand-type game.

“People are free to make whatever type of game they want, provided they don’t use any Konami-owned intellectual property,” said Konami Digital Entertainment President Hideki Hayakawa, struggling to play a familiar package-delivery game. “By the same token, we are also free to make games in any genre. That’s why we’re announcing a new game in the fast-growing strand-type genre. Development will commence as soon as we find out what the hell ‘strand-type’ actually means.”

Though taken aback by baby cries blaring out of his controller, Hayakawa continued.

“No one person owns the stealth genre, and no one person owns the strand-type genre either, whatever it means. I mean, could we go after someone who makes a game similar to our popular Metal Gear Solid series, especially after we gave that person everything including the funding and resources to do it in the first place, and who knows good and well that they’re invoking that series by announcing a similar game? Yes, we could. But instead, we could just take the high road and make the games we want to make. And at this time, that happens to be a strand-type game. We plan to start making it as soon as we figure out what the fuck that actually means.”

Asked about the timing of the game’s announcement with the announcement of Kojima’s spiritual MGS successor, Hayakawa insisted it was a coincidence.

“I know we have an infamous recent history with the person you mentioned,” Hayakawa said, “but the timing of these announcements is pure chance. If anything, I would venture he announced his not-Metal Gear game because we announced a remake of Metal Gear Solid 3. So, really, who is responding to who? I’ll tell you one thing: our strand-type game is going to be way better than whatever he comes up with. I mean, we can put Snake in our game and he can’t. So I’m not worried. Not one bit.”

At press time, Konami was exploring the possibility of repurposing the strand-type game for their new line of pachinko machines.

Critically-acclaimed third-person shooter Spec Ops: The Line was recently removed from Steam and other digital storefronts, with publisher 2K Games confirming this was due to expired licenses. While 2K has not specified which licenses have expired, the game was conspicuously re-listed after ads for the soundtrack’s rights holders were added to every scene in the game.

“We cannot comment on which licenses caused the product to be pulled,” said Mark Winters, public relations liaison for 2K Games. “But rest assured, the license holders were more than happy to let us use their music in exchange for a small mention of them in every scene of the game. They were very excited about how often players would be forced to think about their company, and thus considered it adequate compensation.”

The re-listed version of the game features giant logos of various record labels plastered across every scene, including one in which white phosphorus munitions sear the flesh off of a group of civilians to illustrate the horrors of war. While 2K considers these ads a positive, fans appear to be less enthusiastic.

“I can’t put my finger on why, but something about it takes away from the impact of the game,” said gamer Walker North, struggling to hit an enemy obscured by one of the logos. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m used to ads. I play Ubisoft games. Ads in the game are just a part of life. But this feels different somehow. I don’t know, it’s probably nothing. I guess I should just be thankful the game is available to buy again.”

At press time, Spec Ops: The Line was once again de-listed after weapons manufacturers demanded higher licensing fees for the game’s inclusion of white phosphorus.

Rocksteady reported today that Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League achieved an unprecedented 100% of players completing its story, a feat never before seen in gaming history.

“It just goes to show you should try the game for yourself instead of listening to complainers online,” a Rocksteady rep said. “So many of these ‘critically-acclaimed’ games barely get to thirty or forty percent of players finishing them. But ours had one hundred percent of players hit end credits. No studio has ever done this before. Rocksteady has always been about quality, and this shows that we will continue to be.”

Rocksteady hit another milestone shortly afterwards as Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League became the first game to achieve a 100% refund rate.

TOKYO — Palworld director Takuro Mizobe recently opened up about his inspiration for the hit game, describing how the idea came to him immediately upon purchasing a firearm.

“Shigeru Miyamoto has talked about how getting into gardening gave him the idea for Pikmin,” Mizobe said, fiddling with the safety on a SIG P365. “And I’ve always been heavily, heavily inspired by him and Nintendo. So when I bought a gun after someone broke into my house, I had a real light bulb moment: I could make a game about this gun. And thus, Palworld was born.”

Twirling the gun on his finger like a revolver, Mizobe continued.

“It was so obvious: Miyamoto-san makes games based on his life, and my life at the time was this gun. I was going to the firing range every day, learning the ins and outs, every nook and cranny of it. There’s an old Duke Nukem ad which says, ‘This gun’s not going to **** itself.’ Of course, they censored the word ‘fire’ so as not to promote violence. But I took that to heart. As Nukem-san says, the gun, in fact, will not fire itself. So I take it upon myself to. And this has fed into my creative process with Palworld. It’s been truly fulfilling, the ultimate form of self-expression.”

When asked how the weapon inspired the monster-collecting aspect of Palworld, Mizobe laughed.

“That was because of the bullets,” Mizobe said. “I’ve heard all the claims of us ‘ripping off’ Pokémon. But truth be told, when I saw the bullets laying on my kitchen counter, I thought about how each one is really just a little guy that you take under your wing and command to take a life. All I did was make the design of each bullet a little more playful, so that players would find them more appealing. And thus, Pals were born.”

Mizobe ended by offering advice to aspiring game developers: “Palworld’s success is a huge validation for Miyamoto-san’s method of game development. If you find yourself stuck in coming up with an idea, buy a gun or two to help your creative process. I promise it’ll be the best decision you ever make.”

At press time, Mizobe was rushed to the emergency room for undisclosed reasons.

Local gamer Cameron Foy finally got a win in his battle royale game of choice, a notorious critical and commercial flop, by being the only person left playing.

“The game just released a few weeks ago, but the reviews and word of mouth have been pretty bad, so not a lot of people have been playing,” said Foy, booting into a match and immediately winning as the game failed to find anyone else. “I struggled to get a win because I suck at battle royales. I always get my ass kicked in Fortnite and Warzone, so I thought I’d have a better shot at this. But it wasn’t until everyone else quit playing that I finally got a win.”

Foy was in a state of pure joy as he racked up one win after another in the span of a minute.

“It’s made me enjoy playing video games again. I can’t go back to other battle royales. This is my game now.”

Shortly after becoming the last one left playing, a popular streamer picked up the game to make fun of its nonexistent player base. Foy has yet to win a match since.

Spoilers follow for Yakuza 3.

Yakuza 3 opens with a fairly engaging story hook: protagonist Kazuma Kiryu’s adoptive father, who died years prior, shoots a Yakuza chairman. It’s a pretty interesting start to a story that—

<marquee>Latest Updates: New Pal Designs Leaked by Uncle’s Twin Brother Who Works at Palworld |</marquee>

Oh, wait, hold on. Haruka’s calling me. Probably something about making dinner tonight for the kids at the orphanage. I need to take this.

Okay, she’s good. Anyway, as I was saying: the plot starts out pretty strong. How could this man who died years ago have shot the chairman? It’s an intriguing question for the player but also an interesting character conflict for Kiryu, who tried to leave the Yakuza life behind only to find himself back in a web of intricate machinations and schemes that he must untangle in order to—

Wait, shit. I think one of the kids just hurt himself playing on the beach. I need to check on him. I’ll be back.

Alright. Thankfully, he’s okay. But the bad news is he probably won’t be able to wrestle anymore. The doctor’s saying it’s probably asthma and that intense physical activity makes it worse. Fuck, I wish there was some kind of inhaler-like technology that could magically prevent conditions like exercise-induced bronchospasm. But because there isn’t, he’ll simply have to give up on his dream.

Anyway, sorry for the distraction. Back to what I was saying: so Kiryu’s dead dad is going around killing people. Believe it or not, this actually ends up being the estranged twin brother of Kiryu’s adoptive father, who works for the CIA (and really loves it, like disturbingly so). He’s investigating a land acquisition battle that goes all the way to the highest levels of government, involving everyone from the Japanese Defense Minister to a shady criminal group called Black Monday. Kiryu meets with the Defense Minister, who tells him that the CIA is planning to kill his secretary (and best bud), Toma. He asks Kiryu to protect Toma from the CIA, and Kiryu agrees. So Kiryu returns to Okinawa to stop this guy from being killed by the CIA, only to find—

Wait, hold on, I just got an awesome idea. Hear me out:

So the kid can’t wrestle anymore, right? What if we just hold our own wrestling match for him? You know, to cheer him up? I wouldn’t mind throwing on a lucha mask, and I got a buddy who’d love that shit, too. The kids will definitely love it. We can set up a little ring on the beach with ropes and everything.

Oh man, this sounds better the more I think about it. Okay, I’ll be back. I need to set this up ASAP.

Okay, I’m back. Great little time we had there. Got to let my inner Rey Mysterio loose! And not only that: we also got a call from the doctor that the kid doesn’t have asthma after all! Apparently, he might just have a buckwheat allergy and he had a bunch of soba the other day, so that’s probably what triggered his breathing issues. But as long as he avoids buckwheat he’ll be fine! A simple food allergy. Who would’ve thought? This is great news. This means he’ll be able to follow his dream of—

Wait, one sec. One of the kids just ran out crying. I need to see what’s up. Hang tight.

Alright, that was super fucked up. Apparently, Ayako lent Izumi her last 500 yen to buy a toy for the dog they rescued, but the toy was sold out and so Izumi ended up buying candy with that money instead. What the fuck? That’s so damn rude. I had a sit down with all of the kids and talked to each of them one by one to explain how much Ayako has done for each of them. It took several hours, but I think they understand now that they have to be more considerate towards her and to others in general.

Phew, that was a lot. I’m pretty exhausted after all of that, not gonna lie. I think I might go take a nap or—

Oh shit, wait. The plot. I was talking about the plot. Let’s see: there’s the CIA, Black Monday, a guy named Andre Richardson who looks suspiciously like Albert Wesker...

That’s right, I remember now: so the guy behind everything ends up being one of the Yakuza captains. It’s a pretty crazy reveal! And it all wraps up with him being so ashamed of his deeds that he takes his own life. A tragic ending for the guy, but at least Kiryu has eliminated the threat. But just when you think everything’s well and good, another disgruntled Yakuza captain approaches on the street Kiryu and stabs him, leaving him to die—

Fuck, I just found out Haruka’s helping a gang sell illegal credit cards. I need to nip this in the bud. I’ll be right back.

I was quite enjoying my time with Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order until I became irretrievably lost.

I had just finished a series of puzzles in a temple on the planet Zeffo. The Game told me to return to my ship in order to leave Zeffo, so I attempted to leave Zeffo. I wandered around for several minutes through the caves and surfaces of Zeffo before I realized:

I had no idea how to leave Zeffo.

I must be missing something, I thought. I opened my map and poked around a bit. I identified what seemed like a route back to the ship. I used it. It was not the route. I came to a bent bridge that I could use my shiny new Force Push ability to push down, but I was on the wrong side of it, across a canyon that was too large to clear with my standard jump.

I had to find another way.

So I wandered back through the caves a little more. Still, I couldn’t find my way back to my ship. I went spelunking for several minutes before I caved myself and looked up how to get out.

All of the written advice said to return to the ice caves. I opened my map of Zeffo and scanned for an area that looked like ice caves. The different sections of Zeffo weren’t labeled, so I wasn’t sure exactly where the ice caves were.

I had another thought: a video. That would save me.

I looked up a video, but all of them started from the end of the last cutscene, just after finishing the temple. But at this point I had already wandered to some godforsaken area way the fuck away from that location.

I popped open my map again. Maybe I could get back to that location and then follow the video from there. I spun the map around, zoomed in and out, looking for a way back to where I was before. The features on the map began to blur together.

My head began to hurt. I found myself growing thirsty. Water. That was what I needed. Some water would surely help me reorient myself. Some time away from the screen as well to rest my eyes. Both of those together would give me the key.

I poured myself a glass of water in the kitchen and stared at the wall, actively dissociating from my body. I was floating above myself while I thought about Zeffo. I was enjoying The Game’s combat and gameplay loop quite a bit. Soulslike, but with some nice polish and quality of life improvements. But Zeffo was actively diminishing my quality of life. I did not want it to do this. I did not want this to be the thing that kept me from continuing with The Game.

I finished my water, returned to my body, and went back to my PC. I picked up the controller and opened the map of Zeffo again.

All urge to continue had left my body. I looked at the clock. I had been trying to find my way off of Zeffo for an hour.

My backlog stalked my axons one at a time, flitting down behind my eyelids but still over my eyes as I stared at the map of Zeffo.

I closed out of The Game. Cal Kestis would be forever stranded on Zeffo. Because of me. I tried to forget him and called it a night, but he was in my dreams, running in circles across Zeffo.

I had failed him, and the entire Star Wars franchise.

But Zeffo had defeated me. There was no going back.

The Game was fun while it lasted, though.

Taylor Swift’s new film The Eras Tour opened to widespread praise and a huge box office that all but guarantees a sequel. But the film’s labyrinthine plotting and non-linear narrative are likely to have left many viewers confused. We’ll explain exactly what happened in the film’s ending, as well as what it means for the all-but-guaranteed Phase 2 of the Taylor Swift Cinematic Universe.

The film’s narrative jumps back and forth in time to different parts of Taylor’s life, covering nine different “eras”, as the title implies. While this may leave viewers a bit disoriented, the ending grounds things by bringing the story into the present day, ending with Taylor’s most recent era: Midnights. So viewers can orient themselves with the knowledge that the ending takes place in the present day, and the rest of the film was told in flashback.

With this in mind, we can look at the film’s hints about what’s to come in Phase 2 of the TSCU.

For one, there’s a timeline that’s notably missing: Taylor’s first era. The audience isn’t told Taylor Swift’s origin story or how she got her powers in the first place, so a prequel film set in her Debut era is likely in Phase 2.

Taylor also introduces the possibility of a multiverse during the Reputation timeline. One line of dialogue states that the old Taylor is “dead”, meaning there’s a good chance the multiple Taylors we see could actually be alternate universe versions. Taylor is no stranger to the concept of a multiverse. The re-records of her previously released albums, each one dubbed “Taylor’s Version”, are themselves alternate universe versions of each record, so a multiverse would be a natural next step for the TSCU.

But there is another, darker explanation for this multiverse tease as well. At one point the film makes a clear reference to the film The Prestige, when Taylor jumps below the stage and is shown swimming through a tank of water. In The Prestige, Hugh Jackman’s magician character drops himself below the stage into a tank of water each night, killing himself as a machine makes a new clone of him. Putting this together with the line about the old Taylor being “dead”, it may be likely that each Taylor we see is literally a new version of her and not an alternate universe version. There’s clearly more going on than meets the eye, and Phase 2 will likely shed more light on this.

Taylor also has a rich rogues gallery of supervillains that will likely feature in Phase 2: Kanye West, Karlie Kloss, and the person she has the most bad blood with, the one holding her original songs hostage: Scooter Braun. It will be exciting to see who plays these iconic characters, and there have already been casting shakeups behind the scenes, with Travis Kelce taking up the mantle of Taylor Swift’s boyfriend after Joe Alwyn stepped down. While it’s unclear why Alwyn left the role, Kelce is looking to be a promising casting choice.

Fans know all too well that Taylor is a mastermind and does not do things accidentally. You can’t just see an obvious tease and shake it off. I knew the film would be trouble when I walked in, that everything would mean something. And while Phase 2 may be a blank space right now, in just a few cruel summers we will have our answers. 1989.

CUPERTINO, Calif. — After a slate of environmental initiatives such as no longer including wall chargers with new iPhone purchases, Apple recently announced they would be taking their initiatives one step further: removing the carbon footprint of the iPhone entirely by no longer including it in the box when customers purchase one.

“We started our campaign to save the environment by removing the wall charger,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook, loading a stack of solid gold bars into a safe in his office. “That greatly reduced our cost. To the environment, that is. Now, we’re going even bigger: making an entirely carbon neutral iPhone by not including an iPhone in the box when customers purchase an iPhone.”

Struggling to close the safe door, Cook continued: “Manufacturing iPhones uses an immense amount of material. Mining these materials and transporting them is an extremely costly endeavor. To the environment, that is. That’s why we’re reducing this cost–this environmental cost–by removing the iPhone from the box completely.”

Asked about how consumers would react to the proposed move, Cook was optimistic.

“It shouldn’t be much of an adjustment for people,” Cook said, throwing his entire body weight against the safe door. “Many people already have an iPhone at home, so they won’t need us to include another one in the box. In fact, you could say it would be wasteful to do so. In the end, we have faith that consumers will understand and agree with our vision.”

Samir Alam, a long time Apple user, was initially confused by Apple’s decision to no longer include an iPhone in the box, but ultimately agreed with the move.

“I won’t lie, I was a little disappointed at first. I was looking forward to having an iPhone in the box when I bought an iPhone. But the more I think about it, the more I realize what a bold move it is. And Apple has always been about bold moves, like removing the headphone jack, removing Touch ID, removing 3D touch, and now, removing the iPhone itself. Is it a bit disappointing that I’m going to pay $1,000 for a box with a USB-C cable in it? Maybe. But that’s the price of innovation. At least that sticker’s still in there.”

At press time, leaked documents revealed further plans to reduce the iPhone’s waste by removing the USB-C cable from the box.

The directors of Marvel’s Spider-Man 2 responded to complaints of reusing the previous game’s map by taking inspiration from The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, adding a huge, creepy underground area to New York City.

“I think it’s brilliant,” said Henry Mills, a diehard Spider-Man fan. “I thought it was bullshit that NYC would just be the same city again. I mean, come on, I know it’s a real city but they could’ve changed the layout, at least. But hearing that there’ll be a whole new underground area to explore has me excited. It fits right in with NYC, for some reason.”

The directors of Marvel’s Spider-Man 2, Bryan Intihar and Ryan Smith, assured players that the addition of the all-new underground area would give players something they’ve never seen before.

“I’m glad we could come up with a way to change up the map,” Intihar said. “Honestly, we got super depressed after seeing all the backlash and drowned our sorrows by playing a shit-ton of Tears of the Kingdom. We added some of Brooklyn and Queens for this game, but those places suck. That’s when we got the idea: why couldn’t NYC have a giant underground area? I can definitely picture it.”

“It’s going to be really creepy and dark,” said Smith. “We got to stretch our creative muscles and come up with completely new kinds of enemies, like giant rats. There’ll be security forces down there, but they’ll just be on their phones and won’t protect you, so you’re on your own. We’ll have hubs called ‘stations’ that act like Lightroots to allow you to fast travel. And players can get down there through chasms just like Tears of the Kingdom, but we made them stairs instead for a little quality of life improvement.”

“Also, and this doesn’t really affect gameplay at all, but it’s true for the characters you’re playing as,” he added, “the whole place smells like piss.”

However, not all fans are excited about the new underground area. Another Spider-Man fan who lives in New York City didn’t see the big deal.

“I don’t get it. Isn’t it just the subway?” The fan said. “I take that every day, so I’m not really too excited. I already feel like I’ve explored the whole thing. But I think people are overreacting anyway. I mean, it’s set in NYC. How are they supposed to change it? It’s more important what content they fill it with.”

At press time, when asked if they considered expanding the map into The Bronx, the developers responded with confusion: “What’s that?”